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I want to be her right now. No bloody worries.

Something I wrote a few years ago about wanting something you shouldnt have…

Today I don’t know what to write. I am completely stuck for thoughts. Its probably because I’m thinking too much about how guilty I feel. I haven’t actually done anything but even flirting with another man makes me conscience stand up and do a small jig. I’m not sure why my conscience can dance but I find it helps to put a face to such things. Just like Sod is a real person that I meet up with regularly for coffee and Hindsight often wakes me up on a Saturday morning laughing in my face.

But anyway back to the ‘other’ man. It did start off as just a bit of a laugh but now I am finding myself actually caring what he thinks. The worst thing about it all is that I can’t actually decide whether or not I find him attractive or if I am only attracted to him because he gives me the attention that I crave. I remember that my boyfriend used to make me feel like this. I’m sure now that our relationship is built on respect and trust rather than excitement and lust, although he does still excite me sometimes. It’s just most of the time I feel like he is quite bored and has better things to do than assure me that he still feels the same about me as he did 3 years ago. But that’s where the problem lies with me. Why I have always been a cheater. I crave that first rush, that first kiss. I feel like one of the only reasons I haven’t cheated on my boyfriend so far is that when I’m with him I get that rush all over again. But I don’t see my boyfriend so much anymore and like I said he isn’t really putting in the man hours to make sure I’m satisfied. So where do I turn? To the first man that says I look good. Because I’m insecure and need gratification from other men I think that doing this is the best way to get an instant fix and more often than not it turns around and bites me on the arse.

Like the guy at the bar with the Irish accent. I’m a sucker for Irish accents and he told me my eyes were nice to I let him chat me up a bit forgetting to mention that I had a boyfriend. Everything was going well until he took all my hair in his hands and started stroking it and that’s when I freaked out, I’m after admiration not a stalker. Its not that I don’t love my boyfriend, I love him more than anything its just I have a very nasty habit of not mentioning him if I think it means a guy will stop paying me attention. I never thought it impossible to be friends with a guy until I moved to the city. It turns out that guys have enough male friends. The only reason they could possibly want to be friends with you is so they can eventually get the only thing they think about. In fact I think the only male friends you can really have are your girl friends partners. Otherwise in the back of their mind they can always have you. But I have gone off on a tangent. What I am saying is that I think I might have got myself into some trouble by being over flirtatious, although at least this one knows I’m in a relationship although I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.

Now I am going to have to see him in a few weeks time and I’m going to have been drinking and we will be dancing and he will probably make a move on me and I’m going to have to reject him and then any friendship we could have had will go flying out of the window along with his ego. Breathe. The thing is I want to go dancing with him. Sure Id rather go dancing with my boyfriend but he isn’t around and that’s his own bloody fault. Ah, but you see now I am trying to make it his problem so I don’t have to face up to the fact that it’s very much my problem. I know I should just stop this foolishness and be happy with my lot in life. Despite what I have led you to believe my boyfriend is a very loving, calming man. I know most of the time I can depend on him and I also know that when I am with him he makes me so happy that often I find myself wanting to bottle up the feeling so that when I’m sad I can spray myself with happiness perfume.

He just text me again, my new lover that is. I can’t help but find myself flirting and being responsive to him. As long as I’m not so when we meet in person it should all be fine. It wouldn’t be so easy to let him kiss me though – even if I would want him to that small leprechaun conscience wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t do that to my boyfriend. I couldn’t do that to myself. It fills me with a sense of achievement that I have made it this long without kissing another man. I don’t know why I’m thinking these crazy things anyway. When I’m with him I only want to kiss him. If I knew that he was having these thoughts I would be devastated.

But that’s another thing about him. He doesn’t care. Nothing bothers him. I don’t know why it doesn’t matter to him if I danced with another man, or if another man asks me on a date. He says it’s because he is secure and he trusts me. How can he trust me if I don’t trust myself? When I’m out my friends say that I get all the attention but I know that it is only because I lead men on to think that they can have more than they actually can.

My boyfriend is making it so easy for me to push him away so I don’t have to feel guilty about this other guy. That’s what I’m doing – I’m finding reasons to push him away from me so that he will end it and I can be the wounded. I don’t know what’s got into me. I was so happy just two weeks ago when I was with him. Yes we had some issues but for the most part I never wanted to let him go. And now I’m here and he isn’t and it seems like every day I have to struggle to make him talk to me and it’s a struggle that I’m losing and one that I just cant be bothered to fight for on my own anymore.

It would be so much easier to just fall into the arms of another man and have him make me feel like my boyfriend did at the beginning. Even though I have seen his type before and I know it will only end in tears but surely passion for a few months is better than feeling like I mean nothing to my boyfriend every single day. Wondering why he left in the first place, why he feels like he can’t talk to me. I wish so much that I wasn’t feeling this way. If only he had called more or sent me random emails just telling me how he felt about me, then maybe I wouldn’t have to soak up any other attention that’s thrown my way.

I'm Cara ♥ A 25 year old who lives in London with my darling boyfriend and adorable cat.

This is my life.....

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